| 1. | Don't
put us in the middle. We are not your messenger. We are not your confidante.
We are your children. Please don't make us choose sides. It's just not fair. We
want to love you both, please don't make it hard for us to do so. |
| 2. |
Be available. You may be ready to talk about
the divorce. We may not be there yet, at least, not with you. In the meantime,
let us know that we are free to ask any question without a bitter or defensive
response. As we heal, we may feel a need to fill in the holes in our history.
The divorce is part of our lives. If we can talk about it (not fight about it
or justify it), we can learn from it. |
| 3. |
Reflect. Think about why your marriage failed
and be ready to tell us what you have learned. We want desperately to know that
we aren't destined to divorce as well. |
| 4. | Write
us a letter. Tell us why you are proud of us. Be specific. Make a list
of the good things that came from the marriage (including us!). Write down the
reasons why you first fell in love with our other parent. If we have the positive
characteristics that once drew you to your ex, tell us. We need to hear this from
you. |
| 5. | Adjust
for our convenience. As adults, it's really hard for us to balance
the time we spend with both sets of parents, especially around holidays and special
events, and especially if we feel we're in a no win situation. |
| 6. | Be
prepared for a wide range of emotions. Certain events may trigger a
response. We may have blocked out a lot of memories as a way of coping. As adults,
those memories may come back without warning, and we may respond to them with
anger, confusion or any other emotion. Sometimes, in frustration, it may seem
directed at you. Realize that our response is a delayed reaction to something
that you may have already processed. Let us express it so we can deal with it. |
| 7. |
Tell
us good things about our other parent. We have a right to love you
both. Talk to a friend or counselor or pastor about the things that drive you
crazy about our other parent. Don't tell us. We need to know the good stuff. |
| 8. | Ask
for our forgiveness. When the divorce occurred, all of our lives were
disrupted. As an adult, you could understand that the turmoil was temporary. For
us, instability became a way of life. You needed to spend time focusing on a new
job or house. You may have started dating or remarried. You may not have spent
as much time with us as you should have, and our lives are harder because of it.
Regardless of who filed, only a perfect person could deal with all those emotions
without causing hurt to us. Your willingness to acknowledge that hurt will go
a long way in our healing, as well as your own. |
| 9. | Legitimize
our loss. Please don't force us to feel okay with what happened. Most
likely, we will always feel a loss because the divorce is just as significant
as losing a limb or sense. It doesn't mean we can't be healthy, but life will
always be just a little different for us than it is for others. |
| 10. | Tell
us you love us. We can never, ever hear it enough. Sometimes it feels
like the divorce of your ex was really a divorce of us. We saw from your example
that love is conditional, earned and fleeting. Prove us wrong. |
ear
Parent, 
